Sunset Daze

i know, i know. i just havent blogged for a long while, even though i promised i would. well, i am now. hopefully the spark will find me again, and i will post more often. my life consists of work, work, forget things, sleep, work, and then in between hop into the internet (youtube and hulu mostly) to see what’s goin on.

yes, its pathetic, i know. essentially, i have all the basics (and more) that i need to survive. i have a roof over my head, a fancy schmancy computer, generally in good health, i’m not the ugliest person on the planet, i’m not deformed, i’m not missing a limb or dying of some terrible disease. i certainly am not without food and comforts that many humans in the world are without. i am warm in the winter, cool in the summer, if I want something within reason i can reach into my mediocre savings and purchase it. so when you look at it from that perspective, if I am not happy, i should be at least content.

why am i not content?
I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream

this is the lyric from a Nine Inch Nail song, “Everyday is exactly the same.” i was watching the newly released “Wanted” movie on dvd last night, and that song had came up once or twice around the beginning of the film. and oddly enough, that song pretty much sums things up. without creativity and purpose, i fail to exist or even want to exist. put me into a set pattern with the same tedious tasks each and every day and i fail at life. this is a pattern, my pattern. one that is becoming quite obvious, if I look back at my past. i am unhappy when i do not see myself progressing in my so called life. how bizarre is that? millions of people are content every day to go to the same job, do the same thing and repeat. but I am not. this is extremely unfair if you were to ask my opinion. ignorance looks to be blissful, why can’t i just be blissful? why is mediocre not good enough, when it’s good enough for so many people out there?

so as i sit here pondering quitting from a position that won’t progress in the forseeable future (months, probably 6 months or more), i am undecided. if I stay, i will be miserable, even more so than i am currently. if I leave, i will have the freedom but it’s possible i will regret my choice. which regret can i live with most? staying or leaving? flip a coin. but still, i tell myself everyday that staying a li’l bit longer, and getting that work experience will be good in the long run.

anyways, i am sleep deprived, with 3-4 hours everyday. i am so used to working graveyard shift, that i dont sleep during the night anymore, even though i ought to when i get to have those 3 days off in a week. plus, there’s the added hassle of everyday crappy stuffs. for example:

laundry. hate doing the laundry, more so on the ironing part.

chores. who likes chores anyway? ’nuff said.

oh, and i keep forgetting the carwash. winter’s coming, and i gotta get that carwash done, and buy some winter gears and scrapers for my car.

when u think of it… its pretty sad, when all i do is hope that there is hope for me. because there isnt really any hope if i continue to stay in this lame town. but i have to hope that there is hope, to imagine it might be hopeful.

 so yeah, its fun being me.

~ by bevc on October 25, 2008.